she's with me always!

so, about a month ago (July 10th), it was my mom's first b-day in heaven. I was actually holding up better than thought. of course i missed her, but i was fine. i had a lot of thoughts going through my head so i just went for a walk to clear my head. then i chilled out for a little bit and on my way to the shower to get reay for work, *SOMEONE* took it upon themselves to yell at me. they shall remain nameless, but it was a relative, it was NOT one of my grandparents. it was just ridiculous. this person told me i had no initiative or motivation and i wasn't doing enough. i was in school 23 freaking hours a week and working 20 hours a week. leaving home at 7:30 am and getting home at 10:30 pm, and getting up at 6 the next day. yeah, i'm not doing enough. and dare i say it: i truly think grief is a full time job.it really is. it takes SO MUCH out of you. going to work is one thing, but going to school & trying to do well while dealing with that is just, ugh. i was totally fine til then, but after this person's little tyrade, i cried and cried for a good hour. normally it wouldn't bug me so much, but everything just got to me at that moment. but i got myself together for work. got there, did the usual. called people. answered the phones and took a couple payments from customers. so, this one guy comes in, and he always pays in exact change. i forget his exact total, but i remember the change was like, 24 cents. so, he gave me the cash and 24 cents in change, and i usually never really look, but something possessed me to look at the change, and i looked down, and my grandpa & i (mostly him, haha), collect coins, and a noticed one was what's called a "wheathead" penny. and they're old, they stopped making them in 1958 i think. so i just looked at it, and i flipped it over, curious to see what year it was from cuz i knew it was old, and it was from 1954! the year my mom was born! she knew i needed a sign or something from her. i had been feeling really down, and missing her so much. i haven't dreamed about her in forever and i guess she knew i needed that. i'm so glad she sent it to me. so i replaced it with one of my own pennies and gave it to my boss to take it to the bank & i kept the penny for myself.

it's just too coincidental to be an actual coincedence, or "co-een-kee-deenk" as my mom used to say, haha.

just wanted to share. to anyone who's ever lost a loved one, friend, whatever, even if you're feeling lonely, just know they're always, ALWAYS looking over you, even if it doesn't feel like it. my mom was the closest person to me in the world and it still feels like a really, really bad dream. even as recently as the other day, i picked up the phone to call her and realized i couldn't! i just wish it would feel more real already, but what are ya' gonna do?

the end =]

p.s., idk if you can really see the pic, but it's the actual penny. i'm keeping it in my jewelry box. i think i might have it made into a charm for my charm bracelet. i'm gonna cherish that measly little 1 cent for the rest of my life. <3


  1. I was just blog cruising and I stumbled on your blog..
    I know exactly how you feel..I lost my mother too about three years ago and I still miss her so much...
    I don't think you will ever get over you mum but i do know that the pain goes gradually and with time instead of mourning her..you will beginning to celebrate the fact that such a remarkably woman was ever in your life..

    i really like your blog

  2. awww, thanks so much for the comment & for reading my blog!

    i'll follow you =]

    sorry about your mom too. my best friend lost hers about 3 years ago too. i keep saying God made us best friends cuz he knew this was gonna happen to us WAY before we were ready. we were both away st school & they died in a similar manner.