Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I - Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift - the gift of napping. God said unto him, you shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room, and in your friends' room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, nap I shall. And it was good.
II - Thou Shalt Get Sick All The Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all the time. Student asked, but why? And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much, and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick, for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III - Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shalt write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild... in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping... in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends, but never hook up with any of them. And it was good. Mostly.
IV - Thou Shalt Wear A Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God, how do I look like a college kid? And God said unto Student, you must wear a hoodie, for you can wake up hungover, disheveled, and unshaven five minutes before class, pull on your hoodie, and no one will know the difference. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked what kind of hoodie it should be, and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it, and you shall also own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased. And it was good.
V - Thou Shalt Shit A Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit, and God told him, Student, you shall eat at Food Service and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be a good shit, for it will be the shit of the devil. Your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in the food and you shall feel their pain. Student wept, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God, and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain. And it was good. Mostly.
VI - Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked God if there was any alternative to Food Service, and God said unto him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you shall not need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said unto him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered? And God told him to stop being such a pussy. And it was good.
VII - Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not. And it was good.
VIII - Thou Shalt Join A Club And Never Go To Meetings
Student inquired as to what shall become of his spare time, and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the Glee Club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom. And it was good.
IX - Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said unto Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood. And God took a sip of a beer. And it was good.
And God gave Student one final Commandment
X - Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment, but God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest, saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good. Mostly.
This is the word of God. follow the Ten Commandments of College or you shall be smited!
HA! i forgot about this! discovered it my freshman (i think?) year of college. i laughed so hard. makes me miss living on campus. those were the days! kind of thinking about going back, but idk... we shall see
(courtesy of collegehumor.com)